donnylaja heroine, Naval edition

McNALLY

You should just write this stuff instead of making me do it in real life.  With everyone leering at every little bit of me.  I’m surprised you didn’t supply magnifying glasses.

MEIER

They weren’t leering.

McNALLY

They sure as hell were leering. . . At least some of them.  And where did you get the loony ideas about talking twats?  Yams in the butt?

MEIER

Online.  That kind of stuff used to really be performed, in the 70’s and 80’s.

McNALLY

And what was that photo about with me squatting over a row of seeds?

MEIER

I spliced it together, a photo of you and a photo of a garden.

McNALLY

I don’t remember squatting for any of your photos.

MEIER

You peed in the snow last week, remember?

McNALLY

And -- and you took a pic of me pissing??  How dare you!!

MEIER

I couldn’t pass up the chance.  You were peeing a real long time, after all that beer.  Anyway, I

airbrushed out the pee from the finished photo.

McNALLY

[sarcastically] Oh thank you so goddamn much!!  My hoo - ha was half stretched open! Everyone could see right up inside me!

MEIER

It was the reflection from the snow.  I had to use a flash.  You were too drunk to notice even that. A stroke of good luck, speaking as a photographic artist.

McNALLY

Fuck you!

MEIER

Maybe I should do a photo series called “The Beauty of the Cervix”.

McNALLY

Very funny!  Wait till you see my patented invention.

MEIER

Invention?

McNALLY

The slow-motion testicle crusher I worked out in my mind while you were showing off every inch of my anatomy.  It’s spring-activated.  I could so easily slip it on while you’re asleep.