Navy recruitment poster

[MEIER outside cabin, watching SOLBERG as he attends to McNALLY, on all fours, in six inches of snow]

McNALLY This is -- horrible!

SOLBERG Just hold steady, Lieutenant.  I have to push a little more.

McNALLY That thing is like a -- baseball bat!  Ouch!!SOLBERG           It was as small as

they could make it.

MEIER [watching] A kind of Geiger counter?

SOLBERG Yes, rather low-tech.  But it will situate itself within a few inches of her liver

and detect any emissions, and thereby, any breakdown of the thorium.

McNALLY [face down in snow]  And this after -- two enemas --

SOLBERG The first was routine saline, the second had gadolinium coating.

McNALLY You didn’t have to -- watch while I -- pooped them out.  There’s a brown spot in

the snow over there the size of a -- bathtub.

SOLBERG I’m afraid there’s no cultivated way to do this, Lieutenant.  Ensign, can you

hold her buttocks apart?  Push down, Lieutenant, as if voiding your bowels.

McNALLY Nnnghh!  Uggh!  For this I spent four years at the Naval Academy?

SOLBERG In your case it is part of your mission, Lieutenant.

McNALLY They should put a photo of this scene on a recruiting poster --

SOLBERG Almost done.  It’s slipping in now, all the way up to the flange.  Finished!

McNALLY Oh God . . . this is horrible.

SOLBERG I’d like you to try to stand up now.

McNALLY I don’t know if I can . . . every time I breathe I feel this thing moving around

inside me.

SOLBERG You can do it.

McNALLY How would you know? [stands up stiffly]  I feel like it’s about to come up

through my throat.

MEIER Can she walk like that?

SOLBERG Should be able to.  To be truthful it’s never been placed inside a person before.

McNALLY That’s -- good to know!

SOLBERG I don’t mind you being sarcastic, Lieutenant.  We all sympathize.  Can you

walk a few steps?

McNALLY Barefoot in the snow?  With p - pleasure.  Oh -- oh -- I feel like it’s slipping out --

SOLBERG Bend over, please.

McNALLY Aieee!  What did you j - just do?

SOLBERG I increased the aperture, and the inner diameter.  It should stay in now.

McNALLY My -- sphincter -- feels stretched out --

SOLBERG There will be no damage, if you just relax.

McNALLY Ha!  Relax!  I’ve never had anything up there, I’ll have you know!

MEIER How long does she have to hold it in?

SOLBERG I think two hours every day, around this time.  At night, there are no sun’s rays

to contaminate the readings.

McNALLY How do I know the “reading”?

SOLBERG With every event, you will feel a click.  You are very sensitive there so I don’t think you will mistake it.

McNALLY That’s for -- sure.  I felt your breath on it a moment ago.

MEIER Maybe she can try walking over to the street a bit, to get used to it?

McNALLY Oh f**k you, Meier --

SOLBERG Actually that is a good idea.  Lieutenant, maybe if you lead the way, we can

follow.

McNALLY Oh Jesus.  This is horrible.  [jumps] What was that??  My whole insides got a

jolt!

SOLBERG That was a click.  You will feel them from time to time.  I want you to count

them, or have the Ensign count them, for each two-hour session.

McNALLY I d - don’ t think I’ll miss any.  That one rattled my teeth.

MEIER Let’s keep going.  Meg, why don’t you turn down Dag Street?

McNALLY Okay but j - just for a moment.

SOLBERG Try to moderate your gait, Lieutenant.

McNALLY Okay -- oh!  It happened again!

SOLBERG That’s actually good news.  The faster the thorium decays --

MEIER Oh shit -- here comes the Mayor and his wife!

McNALLY And P - pastor Odegaard and his wife!

MEIER They’ve seen us.  We can’t turn back.

SOLBERG If you feel a click, Lieutenant, suppress your reaction.  They absolutely can’t

know about what’s inside you.

[MAYOR, WIFE, ODEGAARD and WIFE approach]

MAYOR Meg, good to see you!  And you too, Roger!

ODEGAARD And I recognize one of our local artists!  Just got finished with a posing session?SOLBERG [resuming French accent] Yes, very satisfactory, as always.

MAYOR’S WIFE What a coincidence.  We were just talking over dinner about Sunday’s

interpretive dance.

ODEGAARD I think this will be some kind of breakthrough.  Meg is so -- dignified -- that I

think it will allay the suspicions of our, uh, less adaptable congregants.

[chuckles]

McNALLY I’m glad -- EEE! -- to h - hear that.

MAYOR Meg, are you okay?

MEIER She’s just, er, hiccupping from the champagne we just drank.

ODEGAARD’S WIFE Yes, that happens with me sometimes.

MAYOR I hope at least it was good champagne.

McNALLY Yes -- EEE! -- I’m feeling a little -- hot from it -- EE!

MAYOR This time I have my cell phone.  Meg, can you do your “thing”?

ODEGAARD Yes, not the dance, but the part where you speak.

ODEGAARD’S WIFE The “Gift from God”.  Erik, can you take the video?

ODEGAARD Meg, my wife and I will stand on either side of you.

MAYOR Ready?  Everyone in position?  Camera on!

McNALLY EEE!  Gift from G - god!  OHHH!  OHHH!  [collapses, cries]