next item on the School Board meeting agenda: the majorette’s uniform

Minutes taken 10/1/09. 

        “Next order of business, Ms. Kleinfelter’s proposal for a modification to the Tunemasters Uniform.”

        “My proposal,” she said, untying the accordion folder and fishing out a stack of papers, “is to modify the lower half of the majorette uniform.  This is called the ‘Petra Red String’, though of course it will be in the school colors, white on the right side and black on the left.” 

        The papers, drawings of the proposal, were passed around.  After they had studied them for a moment, Board President Jones said, “What are the advantages of this modification?”

        “Threefold.  First, there has always been a question of pubic hair showing, which as you know is in violation of specs.”  By “specs” she meant the local public decency law, a copy of which was provided to each year’s majorette so that she could guard against accidental exposure.  “Currently the majorette shaves so much of her pubic hair as to not show, but there is always the chance of exposure during a vigorous twirl or jump.  With this modification, she will have to shave entirely.  If she has no pubic hair, none can show. 

        “Secondly, it is more secure.  It lodges between the girl’s vaginal lips, instead of drifting precariously over them.” 

        Board V.P.  Charlton, an old guy in a business suit who was nearsighted, had taken off his glasses and was holding up the drawing to his eyes dispassionately.  “Are you sure this is compliant?”

        “Yes.  I spoke to the mayor’s assistant.  The genitals must be covered, but the area around the lips, as opposed to the inner lips, is not part of the genitals. 

        “The third reason is, not to put too fine a point on it, but having the string inside her vagina and -- other parts of her -- provides stimulation that will help her keep warm during parades and other events when the weather is inclement.  Also, because it sits closer to her body, it impacts more closely to her anus, with similar results.” 

        They sat around the table, littered with empty coffee cups and stacks of memos, and contemplated the proposal. 

        “How fast can this modification be made.” 

        “It already has been made,” Ms. Kleinfelter said.  “In fact you’ve been looking at it this whole time”  She unthreaded the string from the staple that held it to the accordion folder and held it up.  “This, gentlemen, is it.” 

        She extended the tiny black and white string between her hands.  They were impressed. 

        Jones looked around and sensed agreement.  He didn’t have to ask.  “It has been decided,” he said, leaning over to the secretary taking minutes.  “The majorette will get the new lower half at the next cleaning. 

        “Next order of business .  .  .  Advertising the new bond issue .  .  .”

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